Wednesday, February 17, 2016

life update

Just as I was starting to feel like everyone has stopped blogging and reading blogs I discovered that's not 100% the case. So I've been inspired to jot some thoughts down for myself and whoever else might be interested.

First, what's been going on?

Well, we all currently have a bad stomach flu. It started on the drive home from Las Vegas this weekend. I have been really impressed with how well Gordon has handled it. Even though he's had no appetite and clearly isn't feeling well (throwing up / diarrhea) he has still been so happy. When I look at him sometimes I literally feel like I could burst. He is such a joy in my life.

We were in Vegas for the long weekend. Staying with Annie, John's sister, and her fam. I love to be around them. I've been in the family now for just over 3 years and they've always made me feel at home. The girls have always accepted and embraced me as their aunt and that's something I really cherish. The weekend consisted of lots of food and hanging out, an amazing dinner out and a movie in the fanciest movie theater I've ever experienced. It was a great little retreat.

I had my eyebrows microbladed while we were in Vegas. I've accepted that I'm definitely having some form of a quarter-life/mom-life crisis. After getting married I put on 15ish pounds. If John cared I probably wouldn't have let that happen but he really doesn't. So then after having a baby and gaining another 40 pounds during my pregnancy I really wanted to make some changes. I lost all my baby weight but then plateaued there for about 5 months. That's when I really started to want to look and feel better about myself. I did the Whole30 and lost 10 more pounds and even though the difference wasn't huge I could really see some of the Lindsay that I haven't seen in a few years and I wanted to keep going. As a stay at home mom sometimes the only validation I get is if John tells me that dinner was good. Contrast that to being in a working environment and constantly being evaluated and (in my case usually) praised. Plus it's easier for me to feel good about myself when I have a reason to shower and get dressed in the morning, do my hair and makeup, etc. But I'm now rarely in a situation where those things are called for. I have to choose to do those things solely for me, to help myself feel put together. Anyway - I'm just almost a year into this whole mom thing and wanting to start focusing on taking care of myself and feeling good about myself (me on the inside and outside) more. And I'll completely admit that I that outside approval does wonders at times for making me feel good about myself. Also tooootally acting like those people that drive my insane by only posting the perfect pictures on instagram. It's just a phase. I've just really been wanting to focus on what is good and beautiful and ideal right now.

One thing that is pretty perfect right now is my mom group. Amber and Kassi I'm looking at you. Spending even just a couple hours a week with REAL friends is such great therapy. I say mom group because we happen to be moms and it's cute to see each other's babies. But I really mean my only 2 friends in Utah. Seeing them is the highlight of my week when we get together.

So yeah, blah blah. I think when I was single I was much more open about struggles I was having because I could make the decision to talk about them publicly on my own with out really affecting anyone else. Now it's a little more complicated being married. But just know that along with the fun trips and gorgeous sunrises I get to take in every morning I definitely have my downs too, whether that's just not feeling great about myself, being worn out from constant mom duties, feeling unattractive, having arguments or days when John and I aren't on the same page (or reading from entirely different books). Things can be really hard sometimes. But overall I'm a happy person with an incredible life.

When John and I went to visit my parents on their mission in Africa I remember being picked up from the airport and expressing to my dad that I was a little bit worried about how I would get through the trip and return home without feeling almost like a bad person for having so much. He told me not to equate poverty with virtue. So sometimes when I start to think about some of my hardships and I naturally start beating myself up for thinking such things are even hardships in the first place because there are people in the world that are starving and naked and being abused, I find it very useful to remember that just as poverty does not make someone's immorality or character defects go away, the plenty that I experience does not make the things that I suffer from less real.

And with that I will wrap things up and say to you:
Thanks for being my friend.



Angela Stevenson said...

This is how I feel a lot. I need to update my blog too. I'm going to Utah and I seriously can't wait- there's nothing like friends who get you! I'd love to meet up if you have time. I really want to meet Gordon and Harper too!

Dana Blackburn said...

Thanks for sharing, Linds. I need you and your wisdom in my life. Love you! xx

yomama said...

I just figured out how your new blog format works... I guess. I kept only seeing the 10 month one of Gordon. Anyway, love you and so great that you've acquired some tools to navigate through the down times. Comparison can lead to such emotional downfalls/slides. We just need to keep reminding ourselves that each life is a different mission with a different agenda to eventually reach a common goal. Love you!

Linda said...

I love the way you think sweetie pie! thanks for writing

Anonymous said...

I always love your honest and openness! :)- Christine M

amberhenrie said...

<3 <3 <3 <3